I can't help but wonder how I befell this fate. All I have to do is brush my side to feel the bone through skin. I see people looking, wondering also what has happened. Tears and anger. Disappointment and worry. Feelings of hatred well up inside me, frustration at my own stupidity. Understanding my loved ones fear is far too easy. My face is drawn, skeletal. Limbs are weak, tendons running up my hand far too apparent. When I bend in the middle, I now realize there is no fat to roll. Skin wrinkles, but that is all. Shoulder blades protrude no matter how hard I try to hide them. Spinal cord like a pearl necklace, ribs like an xylophone. It's gone beyond pretty.
My body is failing. Resisting the months of effort. I'm scared to shower, because I know how much hair is about to fall out. Nails are broken, bloated stomach. No more ovulation either. It's been months since the last period. I can't afford to let go.
It's not only my body though, my mind is anguished. Constant thoughts of excuses and avoidandce. Lies and hiding. "Yes mom, I ate an egg salad sandwich for lunch. Of course I know I need carbs! I do eat them. You don't see everything I eat." How can I hide the napkin with the cookie I just took in it? Pocket, then garbage. I hate to waste food, but no isn't an answer that they will accept. Then I realize that this is absurd. I know that I've become something beyond what anyone should want. I want to change.
I feel weak and controlled by this mind game. I am afraid of gaining weight, when I should be scared of my emotional and physical decay. Of the pain I am causing my closest companions. Friends and family. They don't know what to do. Of course not. I don't expect them to. It's my fault, for falling into the depths of self-deprecation. It is a weakness. Society has duped me into destroying myself. I thought I was strong. It was my pride.